Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
