Only a mothe r could love this liver
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
