P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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