My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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