If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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