I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
