Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
