My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
