where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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