so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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