I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize