my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize