I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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