He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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