Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
