soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
