Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
