Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
