I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
