You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
