Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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