I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
