Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
