I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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