im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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