I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
