Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
