Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
it's like heaven, but drunker
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
