cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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