im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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