Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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