I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
