dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How naked do you want me to be?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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