I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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