Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
