Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
