I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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