somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
