i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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