its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
