why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
