I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
