I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
