dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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