I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
