I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
