i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
