that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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