I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize