I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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