My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
