My first STD was from a foam party
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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