I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Let's get the cat blown out
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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