do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
