WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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