I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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