Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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