My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
