if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
