just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
