Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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